Early last year I did a weeklong silent meditation retreat. One of the practices they guided us through (one of the few in which we were allowed to speak) was Metta, also called Loving Kindness. The practice involves expressing loving kindness towards yourself, someone you love, someone you have difficulty with, and then all beings. You repeat phrases, the most common of which are: May you be happy. May you be safe. May you be healthy. May you live with ease. You can then add to and adapt them depending on what feels right for your experience. I’ve always been a positive person, so I was surprised at the trouble I had with the word “happy,” especially towards myself. I just couldn’t seem to say, “May I be happy” and found myself adapting it to “May I be content,” and “May I be at peace.” Happy just didn’t feel, well, safe.

My struggle with the H word made me realize that my relationship with happiness had become transactional. For much of my adult life, my pursuit of happiness involved achievements and acquisitions. Graduating, getting certain jobs, finding a relationship, having children, owning a home, advancing my career. All good things, but it was a lot of contingency happiness. Based on the belief that once certain events occurred, I would experience happiness. And I often did. But it wasn’t as predictable as I thought. Sometimes the smallest things would unexpectedly make me so happy and the bigger things weren’t as stupendous as I had anticipated.

And then a loved one had some serious struggles and happiness felt even less predictable. When they were in pain, I was in pain. When they were better, I felt better. It put me and my nervous system into a heightened state, constantly scanning the situation for potential threats. If it seemed safe, I could relax, though happiness felt like a momentary frivolity. One I might get lost in it and miss my watch. Happiness was something I still experienced. But carefully, always ready for that visitor to depart and others to arrive.

In deepening my mindfulness practice, I’ve come to realize that happiness is more a state of being than a feeling generated by the circumstances of the moment. As the Dalai Lama says, “Happiness is determined more by one’s state of mind than by external events.” Committing to happiness, full on happiness, not just contentment and peace, is a bold act. But there’s no turning back from the journey now and I welcome fellow travelers.