Yesterday I attended a family member’s funeral — or as it was aptly called in this case, a celebration of life. This was someone I saw regularly when our children were younger and family holidays were part of our tradition. She and I shared the role of parents, with the grandparents holding their place above us, and the children forming the younger tier.

We were the filling in the sandwich — honoring and appreciating the elder “bread” on one side of us, tending to and rejoicing in the younger “bread” on the other side. Those gatherings took a lot of energy, but they also gave us a chance to connect and, even without many words, to simply share the bond of this mutual experience.

As time passed, parents began to pass on. We became the elder generation. The kids grew up and set out on their own life journeys, often with challenges to face. Some of them became parents themselves, designing their own practices and traditions. For me, it’s been a transition to find my footing in this new world order. No longer hosting the Christmas dinner for twelve or the backyard barbecue for a crowd. What was my role now? What was hers?

At least for her, the answer revealed itself in yesterday’s service.

There were many beautiful tributes, but the part that struck me most was when the priest asked us each to name one word that best described our dearly departed. The words — some serious, some playful — formed an improvisational verbal collage of her life. Loving, Kind, and Sweet were followed by Stubborn and Nag (to gentle laughter). Strong, Loyal, and Fearless came alongside Caring, Authentic, and Tender.

As these words echoed around the room, I could see how each one reflected a part of her and how those qualities were now embodied. in various ways, by the people she loved. That was her role. That was her legacy.

And in that moment, I found my answer.

Traditions may change. Family roles and my place in the sandwich may shift. But our intentions can be constant. How we choose to show up for those we love can be constant. The words I hope will one day be spoken about me, whether out loud or silently in others’ hearts, can guide how I live today.

Here’s to your living the words you most want to leave behind.