We all have tendencies to seek pleasure and to avoid pain. In mindfulness, we learn about the 5 Hindrances, including craving after or clinging to those things we desire and want more of, and aversion, pushing away those things we don’t, often what’s unpleasant or stressful.

Sometimes it really works out that I crave things that are healthy (“can’t wait to have that smoothie again”) and avoid things that aren’t (“keep me away from those pork rinds”). Other times it feels like I’ve reversed things. Lately, especially right after dinner, it’s been “give me more of that couch, please” so that I can avoid getting back on the computer to put myself out there in the social media world. I am craving the behavior that gives me comfort and escape (from my own feelings) and avoiding the one that creates discomfort and confrontation (with my own feelings).

In mindfulness we work to suspend judgement, favoring curiosity and kind attention. Kind or not, I have been paying a lot of attention to this behavior and can report on the following:

• I’ve very cleverly focused my television watching on streaming series. This allows me to watch multiple episodes at a time, thus prolonging the pleasure and escape.
• I have selected shows (latest one Hanna on Prime Video) in which the main character conquers life-threatening challenges, one after another without taking a pause. In Hanna’s environment, there is no couch to collapse into, no chocolate peanut butter gelato to indulge in, no toy poodle to cuddle. There is only survival and she is a master at it. Through this highly trained, wolf-DNA enhanced 15-year old killer, I get to experience what it’s like to fearlessly face down demons.
• Watching my watching, I notice it’s my teenage self, the one whose social survival was at stake, who is most cheering Hanna on. The one who walked annually through new school doors into a sea of unknown faces, who had to quickly figure out how to belong or risk the slow social death of isolation, is the one who has chosen this particular character and story.
• My teenage self then felt comfortable to share that she was more than a little pissed off at me and my new venture, the one that requires me to introduce myself to new people, to put myself out there knowing not everyone will notice or connect with me. So there was a little rebellion going on with this watching.
• Now that we were talking, I could see that under her pissed off veneer, she was scared, as she had been so many times, not knowing if or how she might survive each new school. And that’s where the other mindfulness teachings of compassion and metta came to my aid, just as swiftly as Hanna’s assassin skills came to hers. With some kind phrases and calming gestures, I was able to normalize her feelings and negotiate with her so that, together, we could celebrate Hanna’s victories and use them as inspiration to have our own.

What might your binge behaviors reveal to you if you get curious? Here’s to your finding the balance of respite and recharge.